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Ecclesiastes 5

 God, I was just reminded of something a few moments ago: You ask for hearing ears and a sincere heart, not blabbering and empty sacrifices. Solomon, in Ecclesiastes, spoke of this. He said that it is better to draw near to you and listen than to offer sacrifices. I am convicted, for I have not listened to you. Instead, I blabber and spout out my worries for this pregnancy, all the while never drawing close to you and listening for your truth. Forgive me for my unbelief and lack of trust in who you are. In my reading, I was also reminded of my vow to you, which I have not honored. I promised that if you gave me a child, I would give him back to you. Well, you answered my prayer; you gave me this baby. Yet, instead of placing him in your hands, I wallow in anxiety over whether he will live or die. When I should be lifting my hands in surrender, I cling to the worry in my heart. How silly I was to think that this vow only pertained to a born baby. This child should have been given to...
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Waiting for Death

 I went to hear your heartbeat, to see you on that screen and cry tears of joy, but you weren't there. Not only were you missing. The nurse not-so-tenderly searched for you with that long wand, but you could not be found anywhere. I am ashamed to say you weren't my first thought in that room; the pain I was feeling and the heartless attitude of my nurse were keeping my mind off of you. How could I be so selfish? How could I only focus on what I was feeling and not consider you? Even after she removed the wand and walked out, my thoughts were only of my physical state and her rudeness.  Then the Dr. came in. Whatever she said, it was a blur to me, for I was traumatized. I remember her saying she was seeing no yoke sac and that it was hard to see anything with how uncomfortable I was. Yet, even when she asked me multiple times if I had any questions, my mind was blank and I didn't ask the one question I should have: "Does this mean my baby is dead?" Instead, I menti...
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NYC and a Baby

 Living in New York City is already stressful enough, with the noise, crowds, smell of urine, constant sight of weird happenings, and ya know, the shootings. Let's not forget the hot subway during Summer, seeing naked strangers, seeing fights, and the constant "let's go or we're gonna be late" mentality that New Yorkers naturally have. Doesn't it make you want to leave your cushy town where everyone knows you and you have land and have never had to worry about seeing a man pee on the street? Maybe not. On top of all the craziness that is my city, I now have a tiny baby growing inside me and the first thought that comes to my mind is "What if I go into labor on the train?? What if I have to puke while on my way to work??" These are questions I never thought I'd have to think about in Tennessee. Yes, I wanted a baby for awhile now, but I'm realizing that raising a child is hard, but raising a child in this concrete jungle full of crazy people w...
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Little One I Don't Know

 Little one I don't know, how I've longed for you I've wished for you, but now I don't know what to do You're in my tummy, only as big as a tiny seed I can't imagine what you'll look like, your daddy or me Little one, I can't imagine how you will act Will you be smiley or always frowning like your dad? Though you are inside, I do not feel you here I eagerly wait for the day I can hold you near Little one, I hope you'll have all your daddy's traits You don't want to be like me, that wouldn't be so great I hope you have your dad's creativity and tender way Not my constant struggle with anxiety and life in disarray Little one, I already love you more than I love anything else I already want to do for you more than I do for myself One day I will see you, all your fingers and toes Until then, you're the little one to whom I'll write poems
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