Confessions of a New Mom in New York City

 God, I was just reminded of something a few moments ago: You ask for hearing ears and a sincere heart, not blabbering and empty sacrifices. Solomon, in Ecclesiastes, spoke of this. He said that it is better to draw near to you and listen than to offer sacrifices. I am convicted, for I have not listened to you. Instead, I blabber and spout out my worries for this pregnancy, all the while never drawing close to you and listening for your truth. Forgive me for my unbelief and lack of trust in who you are. In my reading, I was also reminded of my vow to you, which I have not honored. I promised that if you gave me a child, I would give him back to you. Well, you answered my prayer; you gave me this baby. Yet, instead of placing him in your hands, I wallow in anxiety over whether he will live or die. When I should be lifting my hands in surrender, I cling to the worry in my heart. How silly I was to think that this vow only pertained to a born baby. This child should have been given to...

 I went to hear your heartbeat, to see you on that screen and cry tears of joy, but you weren't there. Not only were you missing. The nurse not-so-tenderly searched for you with that long wand, but you could not be found anywhere. I am ashamed to say you weren't my first thought in that room; the pain I was feeling and the heartless attitude of my nurse were keeping my mind off of you. How could I be so selfish? How could I only focus on what I was feeling and not consider you? Even after she removed the wand and walked out, my thoughts were only of my physical state and her rudeness.  Then the Dr. came in. Whatever she said, it was a blur to me, for I was traumatized. I remember her saying she was seeing no yoke sac and that it was hard to see anything with how uncomfortable I was. Yet, even when she asked me multiple times if I had any questions, my mind was blank and I didn't ask the one question I should have: "Does this mean my baby is dead?" Instead, I menti...